I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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