he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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