My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
