so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Randomize
