You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
