turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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