I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
