i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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