I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
