Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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