dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
