I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
