god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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