On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
