I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
