I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
