five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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