my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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