SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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