I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
