Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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