wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
