Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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