6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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