It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
