if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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