I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
