An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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