Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
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