when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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