dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize