went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
