I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
