Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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