My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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