I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
