One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
