I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
