matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
