Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
