last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
