tell your sister to shave her snatch
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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