No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
