I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
