Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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