remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
