I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
