those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
