he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Why is your signature on my underwear?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
