and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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