I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
