Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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