Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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