The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
