I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
