I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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