bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I need to calm my uterus...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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