Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
